Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
💯😂
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.