my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
who will stop them
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins