“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
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“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.