9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.