In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
You Might Also Like
lol
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Extremely relatable.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My friend is an excellent librarian.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.