What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will