@Kalarlis

my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG

@Kalarlis

what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they’d have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@Kalarlis

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@Kalarlis

holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?

@Kalarlis

hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume

@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

@Kalarlis

should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room

@Kalarlis

sir i need to confiscate all the ice cream in your store yes this is just a costume & i’m not a real cop but no one told me i’m pretty today