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Page of KalvinMacleod's best tweets

@KalvinMacleod : JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

@KalvinMacleod: Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@KalvinMacleod: [dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

@KalvinMacleod: ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@KalvinMacleod: DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

@KalvinMacleod: [high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

@KalvinMacleod: NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that's hard to believe

@KalvinMacleod: CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

@KalvinMacleod: [school]
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*

@KalvinMacleod: ME: ok doc what's wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what's wrong
DOCTOR: it's just u only visit me when ur sick