Friend: u around this weekend
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
JUDGE: state your name for the court
JUDGE: and your last
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here