WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller