*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.