Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You Might Also Like
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!