mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
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My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
This is what makes twitter great
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*