I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.