[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Watermelon Boss!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late