when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
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Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies