Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Karate_Horse's best tweets

@Karate_Horse : my child is amazed when the “shelf elf” is in a different location every morning! duh, I placed it there! except for Wednesday I did not do that, I am completely freaking out

@Karate_Horse: OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@Karate_Horse: me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

@Karate_Horse: Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal

@Karate_Horse: [karate sign up table]
"Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class"

@Karate_Horse: I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn't

@Karate_Horse: [tense situation in the war room]
"Ok now type in the nuke codes EXACTLY as I say them or it'll blow.1-4-7-teen"
CRAP
[huge explosion]

@Karate_Horse: do you think my parents divorced because I'm too handsome like they said

@Karate_Horse: [loud speaker]
"Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we've moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts"