[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.