Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.
Nephew: Wouldn’t it be cool to breathe fire like a dragon?
Me:*drinking gin straight from the bottle* We’re about to find out, kid.
Me: I’m quitting to go play guitar for Metallica.
Boss: Wow! I wasn’t aware that you even played guitar.
Me: Let’s not make this difficult.
Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Neighbors just got a pirate ship playhouse for their backyard. Drunk me has never been so excited.
So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”
My hair is purple, guys. Purple.
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*