Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
asked my bf how work was today
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.