When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
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Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
im 7 sauces long
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
new wife guy just dropped
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
getting corrected
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like