Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.