“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.