Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.