i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.