The government even made aliens boring
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO