@KatieBurnett

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

@KatieBurnett

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

@KatieBurnett

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

@KatieBurnett

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@KatieBurnett

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

@KatieBurnett

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

@KatieBurnett

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you