Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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My body is a temple
for potatoes.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Just me and my debit card against the world
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home