DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
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stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
This is me
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”