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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
how to have an accident 101
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.