[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff