*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
#SCOTUS one-star review
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Ion see the issue
Who.
Did.
This?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
where the womens at?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.