GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
You Might Also Like
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man