Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Don’t snitch tag.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.