I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]