@Kauaibride

please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@Kauaibride

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

@Kauaibride

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

@Kauaibride

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@Kauaibride

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@Kauaibride

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

@Kauaibride

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.