Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
new shirt idea
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
craving $300 all of a sudden
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
TEETH IS INNOCENT
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.