[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I have a black belt in leather
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.