The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.