Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : me: “hey who’s your favourite child?” wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite” me: “why not? i do” wife: “who?” me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

@KeetPotato: [being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
"MY ETCH A SKETCHES"

@KeetPotato: me: i wrote you a song, it's called 'rudolph the red nose reindeer'
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

@KeetPotato: [walking dog in park]
girl: "awww, he's cute.. whats his name?"
dog: "keith"
[me and the dog high five]

@KeetPotato: imagine how angry bear grylls' wife would be if he didn't like what she cooked for dinner

@KeetPotato: me: "we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory"
jesus: "they better not be of me dying on a cross"
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: "keith?"

@KeetPotato: zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

@KeetPotato: [mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"

@KeetPotato: karate teacher: "break this wood"
me: "why?"
karate teacher: "i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you"
me: [gives wood my wallet]

@KeetPotato: my lawyer: "if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me"
me: "ok"
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: "your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess"