@KeetPotato

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

@KeetPotato

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

@KeetPotato

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

@KeetPotato

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

@KeetPotato

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

@KeetPotato

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@KeetPotato

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

@KeetPotato

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”