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Page of KeetPotato's best tweets

@KeetPotato : my boss: "keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets"
me: "they can't be that good i haven't done one in weeks"

@KeetPotato: me: "i have designed the world's first electric car specifically for owls"
reporter: "owls? is it popular?"
me: "it's turning heads"

@KeetPotato: [inventing mint choc-chip]
me: "people love ice cream right?"
boss: "yes they do"
me: "people love chocolate chips?"
boss: "i hear ya"
me: "know what else people love?"
boss: "hit me"
me: "brushing their teeth"

@KeetPotato: me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

@KeetPotato: roman soldier: "jesus has been crucified as instructed"
emperor: "he is dead?"
roman soldier: "yes my liege"
[3 days later]
emperor: "dave, can i have a word?"

@KeetPotato: [seance]
wife: "if there are any spirits here please show us a sign"
me:
wife:
me:
wife: "keith, say something"
me: "im scared"
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: "goddamnit dad"

@KeetPotato: dad: "what's that nice french place we went to called again?"
me: "france?"
dad: "that's the one"

@KeetPotato: my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn't want vegans looking for his son

@KeetPotato: me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

@KeetPotato: [being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
"MY ETCH A SKETCHES"