@KeetPotato: [being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
"MY ETCH A SKETCHES"
@KeetPotato: me: i wrote you a song, it's called 'rudolph the red nose reindeer'
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
rudolph: sing the song keith
@KeetPotato: [walking dog in park]
girl: "awww, he's cute.. whats his name?"
[me and the dog high five]
@KeetPotato: imagine how angry bear grylls' wife would be if he didn't like what she cooked for dinner
@KeetPotato: me: "we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory"
jesus: "they better not be of me dying on a cross"
@KeetPotato: zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
@KeetPotato: [mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] "everybody listen up this is a robbery"
@KeetPotato: karate teacher: "break this wood"
karate teacher: "i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you"
me: [gives wood my wallet]
@KeetPotato: my lawyer: "if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me"
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: "your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess"