I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem