Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead