@KelgoreTrout

My kid just peeled a fat strip of paint off the wall and said “I love the skin of our house”

@KelgoreTrout

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

@KelgoreTrout

“911 whats your emerge-”
I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES

@KelgoreTrout

the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words

@KelgoreTrout

the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”