@KelleysBreakRm

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

@KelleysBreakRm

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

@KelleysBreakRm

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.