I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok