@KellyMeldrum

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

@KellyMeldrum

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

@KellyMeldrum

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

@KellyMeldrum

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.