my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
This is a whole mood;
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.