Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
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Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me trying to look natural in photos
A family that plays together cheats.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?