[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
i hope my email finds you on fire
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration