Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”