there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Jogging
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.