Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Autocorrect is my menesis
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters