What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.